A friend of mine and I have been working on applying for jobs. The biggest bitch is writing the cover letter. I will walk around the room trying to think of the perfect thing to write. While my brain searches for something, I inevitably stumble across a few four-letter words and sentences that either don’t pertain or are just plain inappropriate.
My friend thought some of this stuff was pretty funny, so I thought why not put it out there for more people to laugh at? Or just for my own entertainment…
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to express my interest in your position for whatever the hell you might be willing to pay me for. After reviewing your vague and incomplete job description in one of the countless job search website hells, I believe that I could con my way into an interview with you.
I have nine years of combined international education and work experience, but I doubt that you really give a shit. I could list several experiences I have had over the years that might make me stand out, but I’m just gonna go ahead and say that I’m one foxy chick and you might enjoy seeing me around the office.
Your qualifications suggest that I should be driven to provide good customer service. Well, no shit. Unless I was applying for an underground lab assistant position, one would assume I would be dealing with other people. I am able to deal with criticism although I prefer compliments. I believe my philosophy on customer service is refreshing: If the customer wasn’t so stupid, my job would be a lot easier.
I am also familiar with working with sales people, as I manage several accounts for the fuckers at my current position. I create and manage all the Excel work for our office, but that has more to do with the fact that they’re a bunch of idiots who can barely send an email and less to do with my spreadsheet management skills. As if to help prove this point, they asked me, a non-native English speaker, to edit our company’s website for content.
I’ve attached my resume for you to print out, use as a coaster for your coffee cup and eventually give to your secretary (who probably has a higher IQ than you) to shred. I will say that I am the perfect candidate for your position if only because I am a fine piece of ass who will put up with annoying middle-management requests for at least one year. Please feel free to contact me at your convenience, which will probably be at some ungodly hour of the morning after I’ve been on a week-long bender. I look forward to speaking with you.
Your New Employee