As you know, I’m in my beautiful home state (pictures to come — I’m trying to stay offline as much as possible). This of course means I’m close to the folks that abused me.
While I’m not planning on connecting with them, I am trying to see some others who know them. We have a difficult history, an estranged relationship because of that.
This, for a very long time, made me feel guilty. And tortured, really.
Do you wanna reconnect with [this person]? Sort of. I mean, yes, but I don’t want the guilt that could come along with it.
I just sometimes forget what was said and honestly does it matter? Let go of your ego and give out love. Ok, I will. …
Arg, I’m so annoyed and a little sad but I don’t know what else I was expecting. I’m just going to write back that I want to be civil.
I guess I’ll continue to send my love but I’m not going to change myself for anyone but myself. I think that’s a good call. Really, you need to let go of the people who make you feel bad for being you. …
Why did I write to [this person]? Moment of weakness, guilt, I guess.
This kind of banter exists through much of my journals, but seems to be prevalent around this time of year. It could be that there are several birthdays that happen around this time that connect so many people back together and I feel left out.
And then in 2013:
God, I suddenly saw in my mind a future without all of this baggage weighing me down. I see myself letting go of this shit with [my abusers] AND the guilt/shame/weirdness about my divorces.
Suddenly I see myself with so much energy in the present it’s kind of awesome. I’m coming to that point. Spiritual freedom.
I love my friends and family deeply and have the kind of relationships I want with them without any feeling of guilt/shame. I am Rebecca thru and thru. I live my life honestly, in harmony and with integrity.
I think I may have said this last week, but you have NO idea how huge this is for me. I would read quotes like the ones I’ve posted here, and they’d make sense logically.
The idea of forgiveness made sense in my brain. But the connection from my head to my heart wasn’t there. Thankfully, in my daily meditation last year, I also I read this:
I know that forgiveness can not be rushed or imposed, and that for me to force it on myself is to do violence on my insides.
I gave myself permission to go on this long winding path, with no end in sight. No mile markers. No signs telling me I’m almost there, or not even close. I walked this path, just trusting that it would come.
I’ve been in therapy, in part, for this issue, since 2010. I’ve made insanely huge changes in my life, both externally and internally.
And suddenly I feel a lightness that I could not imagine anywhere, let alone in the heart of the storm, the battlefield. Ugly memories resurface but I rest in the peace that memories can not harm me. There is no anger, only love.
Getting the 8 of Cups in my Tarot reading didn’t hurt either. Keywords? Letting go. Seeking your higher purpose. Moving on. Word.
I get it now. I feel those quotes in my heart. The disconnect has been healed. That path I was on? It was the path from my head to my heart.
Forgiveness truly is a gift for yourself. It’s worth every scared and angry moment, every lonely feeling, and every step on its twisted path.